Mencari Cinta

A journey it is for me to find love
I was always thinking that love is something magical, something imaginary, since I never felt loved during my childhood
I was a quirky, an awkward type during my school time
I had few friends and probably impossible to get a girlfriend
Thus, It is beyond imagination for me to be loved, by anyone

It is a cliche for me that every time I came home from hanging out with my friends, I felt so empty
I felt like there is none left for me
No one loves me
Most times, I filled my emptiness by playing video games
It was like an opium for me to get rid of the feeling

I remember the times when everyone was having their Eve
I remember clearly I was telling myself that I would never had one
After sometimes I got really tired of even going out with my friends since it would lead to the same things, nothingness
I studied like crazy, I rarely went out due to my study and I became a total loner
I got high grades on my report and once again I felt nothing

I went to university to start anew and I was thinking I could get good friends and possibly a girlfriend
And no, have you ever felt how it is to be become a loser
You're no good in every aspect in your life
People see you like you're way below him
And there's nothing that you can do to change that

Until Jesus came into my life and transformed my mind
The very first time I know the word of acceptance
It was a strange feeling
but I never felt that kind of love before
He loves me for who I am
not because of what I can do
not because of my achievements
not because of my wealth or possession
He loves me.... that's it

And how can I love Him back?
John 21:15
"So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter,"Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me more than these?" He said to Him," Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He said to him," Feed my lambs." 

Payung dan angin

I had a strange dream.

I found myself in a place where there were so many vast areas.

Most areas are covered by greens.

I had an umbrella with me and I was jumping into a cliff.

Surprisingly, I did not fall.

The umbrella was moved up by the wind.

For the second time I was dreaming about floating, but this time with the help of an umbrella and wind power.

Sometimes I saw that I was above a really deep fall, I could not even see the bottom.

I was afraid and I lost my confidence.

I grabbed on the side not to fall.

But I forgot that I had that umbrella with me.

So I let go of my grip and I moved afar.

Once again I felt that this kind of dream was a reminding for me.

Too much time I felt that I could not trust completely, I held onto the surface because I was too scared.

When God brings me to high places, I need to wholly surrender to Him.

He was the wind and the umbrella was the Holy Spirit.

They connected together to help me up.

If I let go of the umbrella, I will surely fall into the deep.

This is talking about us selling our salvation.

And I don't want to let it go.

The wind will not always be strong, sometimes it will weaken and I will descend with the umbrella. I should not let go of the umbrella since the wind will come again.

Sometimes I will stop by on a ground surface. There I will meet someone to hold his/her umbrella, to jump together with me and fly beyond.

Amen.

Di saat-saat penantian

I have been thinking about this all the time.

What should I do while I am waiting for Jesus?

I feel like my life has been so mediocre, I'm not too hot nor too cold.

Is this the life that he wants me to live?

Matthew 5:16

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

How can people be attracted by simplicity?

Have you ever heard anyone saying, "oh, it's really normal in here."

What I heard most of times during winter is "It's really cold" or during summer, "It's really hot".

Here is when people aware about "the thing".

And now we're talking about us as "the thing". How can people see us if we are not hot nor cold. Talking about light, as soon as we receive Jesus in our life, we received Holy Spirit in us, the light, which is ready to shine. But most of the times, we cover that light, we are ashamed of it or we are still comfortable in our dark days.

God has supplied us with unlimited source of power so that we can shine yet we do not use it. We don't have to pay for the electricity or be afraid that sometimes there might be black out. It will never happen.

Jesus is coming, yes He is. If he comes and see me like this, I'm ashamed of myself. I don't want to hear him saying, "You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed?"

This is different type of laziness. Some kids these days, they get money from their parents and spend it in some ways. We assume that we get the same amount of money from God, but we don't do anything with it. If I were the the giver, I would have got angry as well. Because He gives it for us with a purpose.

And now, back to the big question. What should I do while I am waiting for Jesus? Stay on guard, keep your faith and work on it. Because the field is yellow and the workers are few. We don't want to wait for Jesus alone, but with as many people as we can recruit.

Grace is in vain if we keep it in our unused folder. We need to post it, share it, so that people might see and obtain it as well.

耶稣保佑你!

Ajarlah kami untuk menghitung hari-hari kami

It's been a while since I moved back to Indonesia due to my dad's departure.
It is really delighted that he is with our Lord Jesus in heaven.
Nothing can replace this kind of feeling.
I missed him sometimes but then I am waiting for our next meeting in the glorious place.

Then I have settled in Indonesia (for now) and waiting for the company's last decision to employ me or not. Oh I was interviewed by Indofood, one of the largest food and beverage companies in Indonesia.
People asked a lot about what had I been doing here?
Everyday I spent my time thinking about what should I do next....
Additional information, I also am waiting for a doctorate scholarship from Massey University in Auckland, New Zealand.
But then, this time the question for myself is what should I do during this time?

I read Psalm 90 and I caught from verse 12 saying
"So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom."
I was questioning a lot about this. Why should we number our days and how can we get wisdom out of it?

In this verse, there are some points to elaborate.

"So teach us..."
Who teaches us?
It is talking about we cannot number our days on our own. There is God factor here. It is a must that we surrender and let Jesus teaches us. Remember when we were still in our early days, going to school and not knowing about what the teacher will teach us. The same thing about this, we do not know this in the beginning. God is our teacher and let us receive and chew whatever message He is about to tell us.

"...to number our days..."
Lately I was thinking about my days being so unproductive. What should I do with my life, should I start my own business or should I start working somewhere? I was and I am still thinking about myself everyday.
When I number my days, I don't want to end up like this:

1. Monday
2. Tuesday
3. Wednesday
and so on...

instead I want to fill it with something

1. Monday
I prayed for my friend today for her to receive Jesus
I prayed and fasted for my family today so that there will be reconciliation
I shared gospel today to someone

2. Tuesday
I prayed for my sick friend
and so on...

See the difference
I number my days and fill it with God's lesson
Remember the first point. Let God teach us to do His will and let us do that!

"...that we may get a heart of wisdom."
One day I was thinking about how can I get wisdom and I asked God about it. But you know what? Wisdom can be obtained when you follow his direction instead of your own direction. By doing what he told us to do, we unconsciously getting wiser. Since we are close to him, His thought becomes our thought, His words become our words, and in the end, we become wise even we don't think that we are wise. That is God.

A simple message for today:
Don't count the remaining days until the next weekend or next holiday, but fill your days with God's wills.

お大事に！

(jangan) meraih bintang

It's always been my dream to be in Japan, sharing gospel to the unbelievers.
It's always been my dream to be a professor in the field I am working on.
It's always been my dream to make my parents happy and proud, be the son they can share to their friends and relatives.
It's always been my dream to see my family to see Jesus, face to face, praise and worship Him.
It's always been my dream to see friends and colleagues repent, cry, and be under the same wing of protection.
It's always been my dream to made my Lord rejoice.

I believe He created us freedom for no reason
He gave us freedom to have faith
A faith that knows no limit

I believe.... I believe....
The door is there, the door to His Holy Place
The place where He has prepared everything
Knock...Knock....Knock!!
Knock with you prayers, knock until He opens it for you

And he opens the door, telling you to go to the pool of Siloam
So that you can open your eyes
"Dear my faithful servant, then you went to the pool, your eyes have been opened, now go! For the world is waiting for you and don't forget that I will be with you until the end of the world"

I will no longer reach the stars, I will reach Him, for he is the holder of the stars

Hillsong Young and Free
"This is living"

Waking up knowing there's a reason
All my dreams come alive
Life is living with You
I've made my decision

You lift me up, fill my eyes with wonder
Forever young in Your love
This freedom's untainted with You
No moment is wasted

See the sun now bursting through the clouds
Black and white turns to color all around
All is new, in the Saviour I am found

This is living now

Dia tak pernah berhenti membuatku tersenyum

As I have planned my hiking trip for this holiday weekend, our leader's decision changed it all, they decided to go kayaking on the same day, the same time period.

*Fast forward

I have an option to be grumpy, I have an option to get mad.... to anyone.

As I need to finish my thesis today, I feel like I need to be joyful. There is something left unsaid in my heart.

I sang a song

"God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed

Give me vision to see things like You do

God I look to You, You're where my help comes from

Give me wisdom; You know just what to do"

Bethel Music-God I look to You

I smiled as the lyric going through my ear.

He gave me hope, He gave me relief, He gave me solace

He changed the bitterness in my heart in sweetness

He replaced my anxiousness with a bucket of love

In the end, I will go with a good friend of mine, not going to kayak with the rest of the group.

I think there will be something happened. I don't know what, let's just see =)

Melangkah

Almost three years I have been living in the USA. Struggles, joy, tears, laugh, ups and downs. It has never been a quiet greenery where I can enjoy life to the fully. Life is always a mystery. Until this point where I need to decide to go home or not. When I cried and asked to God months ago, there was a door opening for me to go to Japan. I studied fervently for days, weeks, and months, and I am pretty sure that my Japanese has exceeded myself the last time I took Japanese course.

There was no way for me to stay here in the USA. NO WAY. Until yesterday, the moment when I cried again and at that time I did not ask God; he whispered slowly to my heart that my job is not finished here. But how God, how? There is always a way with God. I bought my ticket home already, in August, hoping that it will be a great time to spend with my family in my hometown.

A man of God this morning revealed a way for me to stay in US. BOOM! my mind is going crazy. I was thinking,"Not again, Japan is already a big commitment for me. Now then I need to stay?"

For the second time after Japan I feel like I'm too afraid to step forward. I do not know what is it for me, what will happen to me, or how will it happen. Too many doubts, too many questions and things that holding me back. The decision is too big for me.

Another news regarding the supreme court decided to legalize same-sex marriage here in America. Yesterday, at around the same time as God whispered, I got another impression regarding these people. How LGBT gained so much power because of the initial opposition against them. I was really sad hearing that a street preacher got beaten up by them. But then, this is years of hatred that they have all kept for years. The world condemned them, insulted them, and rejected them. A door was opened for them to spoke out and see what happens.....they took control. Unfortunately for them, Jesus has ALL THE CONTROLS.

"I have to do something about it, I have a purpose that I was destined to do." I can't go home just yet. But then, how am I supposed to know? Not a coincidence that our pastor has been preaching and ordering us to pray, at least one hour a day. We need to get intimate with He who sculpted our destiny. Alone, we will never know; but, get close to him, we will know the secret of this world, and ours as well.

And what to do now? "As long as you want to step forward, I will guide you. There will be nothing left, other than regret and sorrow in your past, I'm not following you there." 

In the end, there's nothing I can do now except, ask....pray

Everything God will reveal

Amen.